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Warning: Be Careful
Submitted by: Emily Cline
Cincinnati, OHCollege student in pre-pharmacy. Wearing a beautiful engagement ring. = )
My fiance broke up with me a few months ago due to his problems with bi polar disorder. I was heartbroken, of course. At first I avoided anything that would remind me of him. I packed everything I had of his into a box and hid it in the closet. Then my mother – a true faithful person – got me back into The Secret. I had read the book before and watched the movie, but I wasn’t so sure how much I believed in it.
She told me I could bring back my fiance if I opened myself up and made room for him to come back. She told me that though it wasn’t my fault he left, I had attracted it to myself. She told me that just because you attract something to you doesn’t make it your fault. It’s only your fault if you let it get you down and let it control you. You must learn to control it.
So I re-read the book and re-watched the movie. Actually, I did this near daily. I realized that by packing up my life with him in a box, I was telling the universe that I didn’t want him around. So I took everything out and put them away. I took my pictures of us together and taped them to the wall next to my bed. They are always the first things I wake up to and fall asleep to. I sleep cuddling with a stuffed lion that has a slight resemblance to a dandelion. It’s significant because his name is Daniel and his childhood nickname was Dandelion. = ) The lion’s name is Dandy Lion, of course. He got it for me when I hurt my hand and had to go to the ER.
I’ve also taken all of my books of marriage and wedding planning and put them back on the bookshelf. I put together a weekend bag. It essentially contains a change of clothes and toiletries. I started working on my scrapbook of us again.
I’ve been growing green peppers. He’s always loved them so I’ve been growing them for him.
Every time I go out and buy myself a drink or snack, I buy one for him too. I eventually eat them myself but with the thought in mind that I’m eating his food and stealing it from him. It makes the BabyRuth taste better.
I’ve got a journal now full of things I’m grateful for. Pages full of all the people and things I’m grateful for in life. Full of all of the things I’m grateful for about myself – that I can see, that I have a beautiful, functioning body, that my eyes are gorgeous.
I’ve started dressing in yellow a lot more – his favorite color on me. I also got myself a bikini. The significance there is that I’m hydrophobic and have only felt comfortable in pools of water if Daniel is holding onto me. I wouldn’t have one if I didn’t have him. No point.
And more significant than anything else – I got myself a silver chain and started wearing his engagement ring around my neck. Keeping it close to my heart.
A few weeks ago my mother came to visit me. Her presence made me incredibly happy and she helped to renew my faith through her wisdom and her own unwavering faith. So I told myself, “Daniel is going to talk to me.” And he did… just not in the way I had hoped.
I ended up receiving a text message from him saying: “I’m sorry you got hurt, but we’re done.” I was devastated until my mother reminded me that I got what I asked for. I just wasn’t specific enough. Then she went on to remind me that there was no reason for him to text me at all, since he and I hadn’t spoken in a month. I realized how right she was and despite the seemingly negative situation, I realized how amazing this was.
So I continued what I was doing for two more weeks. Although, I must admit, I had started losing faith. Then, without knowing why, I found myself at the jeweler who made my ring (an independent store owned by this really nice man who’s very dedicated to his work). He took the ring from me without any question and started cleaning it, remarking about how much Daniel must have loved me. He said that Daniel came into the store multiple times checking all of the rings, making sure he got the perfect one. Why does this matter? Because Daniel is bipolar. The type of bipolar Daniel is means that he goes from being somewhat depressed to being extremely manic. When he’s depressed, he pushes people away and mopes around and sleeps all day. When he’s manic, he buys a lot of things for himself and does things on a whim. I was so worried that the proposal was just one of those spontaneous acts of mania. The fact that he put a lot of thought and planning into it means that it couldn’t have been. The fact that he bought something for someone else (something as expensive as white gold and 4k of diamonds) and not for himself is amazing.
My faith was restored. Then I realized what a perfect day it was for him to show up and talk to me. I had it envisioned that he would show up on my back doorstep wanting to talk and apologize and forgive. Then I would ask him to ride with me in my car and I would take him to this beautiful but somewhat hidden flower garden park near my house. The point was that it would be romantic.
The A/C in my car is broken and it’s been too humid to just have the windows down. It’s been near 90 degrees around here. 90 and humid – ick. But it was cooling down that day and it was the perfect temperature. My Dad – who pretty much hates Daniel – was working the night shift that day. So he wouldn’t be around to see him and get angry.
I was talking about all of this to my mother, then got in my car to go for a ride. As I was leaving my driveway, I saw his car (unmistakably yellow and sporty) with its turn signal on to turn into my driveway. When he saw me leaving he sped off instead. Instead of going home and waiting like I’m sure the universe wanted me to, I got excited and started driving around.
I kept thinking to myself, “He’s looking for me. He’s trying to find me.” It occurred to me that if I kept thinking that, he would never find me because he would always be searching for me. Then I started thinking, “He’s looking for me. He wants to find me. We’re going to find each other.” And boy did we.
I pulled up to an intersection at the same time that he did. And the road we were at further supported my thoughts that he was looking for me instead of going to an actual destination, because of how the roads work. There was a small moment of pause and stun before we both hid our faces and he pulled away as fast as he could, away from me.
I was heartbroken until I realized that I was looking for and found him. And he found me, too. Just because he hid his face and ran for it didn’t mean anything bad – because I did that, too. If only out of fear of him knowing.
My warning to you people is – be careful how you go about things. Be careful how you word things. Don’t be too vague and most importantly, DO NOT CONFUSE THE UNIVERSE. The universe was about to give me everything but my actions were terribly contradicting what I was asking for. But it’s obvious to me now that the LOA works.
Remember to have faith. Remember that even negative happenings aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Just take them as a sign. Take your faith wherever you must, but always have faith! Pray if you are religious.
Don’t ever give up. Just be careful. Stay positive. Watch funny movies, review why what you want isn’t impossible. Give yourself small gifts. Give to others, too. Be a kind, caring, and most importantly, forgiving, person.