Finding The Strength To Heal
I’m 37 years old now, but growing up as a child was not easy in my home. I’m the oldest of 4, two sisters and a brother. My mom worked and supported us on public assistance, while my dad spent the day getting drunk. I’m not really sure when it started, but I do remember as early as five years old, my dad began to sexually abuse me up in till I was about twelve years old. That was when I started running away from home to get away from the abuse. I started using drugs at thirteen and among other things, to survive out there in the streets.
At fourteen I went with a family friend to stay, she had found me in the street and told me “You are coming home with me”. She asked why was I doing this to myself. I told her what my dad had been doing to me and that I just can’t go home. She drove me home to tell my mom, thinking that would fix it, she would leave my dad and help me get the help I needed to deal with this.
No that’s not what happened. I was called a “liar and a slut” and every hurtful name a mother can call her child. My dad called me the same names. This was after the family friend left me there to talk it out with my mom.
For a very long time after, I felt that what happened to me is what I deserved, it was my fault I did this. Until one day I was talking to a lady at church about it and how it’s made me feel all these years later. She said follow me, so I did, into the bathroom. She said “Look in the mirror, what do you see?” I said, “myself” she said” No, what do you see?” I don’t understand. She said “What I see is a beautiful, strong, brave, loving, women with a beautiful heart and soul. You found the strength to make it this far because everything that you need is in you. You have the power to make life beautiful and you have the power to heal this pain, it’s all in you, this was never your fault.
I learned that day that everything I needed was inside of me. I’ve learned to love myself, my mind controls my happiness, not what has happened to me as a child or what happens to me as a adult. Things may not be perfect but it’s the way you allow yourself to feel that is the key. I love me, my children and my life. I deserve to live a life of happiness, love and so much more. Every day is a beautiful new beginning. The memories are still there, but I don’t let them control my mind and self worth. I didn’t do this to myself, my dad did it and he will be the one to answer when he stands before “God”.
Always know and feel that you can make it. It’s inside of you the strength, love and happiness, you have it all inside. Always think positive. Find the strength, it’s in you.
With much love.