After my husband died I heard the saying that God will bring people into your life for a purpose and he will remove them for a purpose. Losing a spouse is almost like dealing with an old, dusty diamond that has many facets. The largest facet of course is the immediate void that you have right under your nose, every second, of every day. There are many little losses that are connected to that large loss. It’s like a tower of blocks. Once the big block is removed, the foundation cannot stand and support the enormous tragedy of it.

As the months passed my loss and loneliness became bigger. It was like a vast, black, gaping hole that I had to step around every day. The two days of the week that I used to look forward to the most I began to dread. I hated the weekends. I knew other people were out, having dinner at restaurants, going to the theater, maybe even just simply grocery shopping. Everywhere I looked a coupled world was smacking me in the face with the brutal reality that I was no longer married and that my husband was never coming back. He told me the night before he passed away that he did not want me moping around the house for too long. He said I could do it for a little while, but if I did it for too long it would make him angry.

By the time I got the nerve to try internet dating I was 10 months into my widowhood. After being married for seventeen years, my re-entry into the single scene was almost as devastating as my husband’s disease. One date after another started to look like a mass of tangled rope, with knots of dysfunction that I didn’t want to even try to untie. That dark hole I’d been stepping around, well, I fell in it. I fell hard and deep. I spent weeks walking around my house, hearing the echo of my dark, destructive words.
I’ll never meet a healthy companion. I’ll never feel love for another man. I’ll never be held and feel that circle of desire expand in my belly. I will never be able to sell this house. There are no more single people anywhere! Well, that was what I continued to get!

I had the book “The Secret.” My brother had told me about it a few years ago. I had some post-it-notes in it, but hadn’t really read it and absorbed it. As I was looking for it on my book shelf the Biblical verse came to mind: Romans 4:17  “Call things that be not as though they are”.

For the next two days I read The Secret and then watched the movie three times. I saw how this law of attraction was all over the place! I began walking around my house saying what I was going to have.
I’ll quote the late, great Dr. Wayne Dyer. “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.”

So I changed my thoughts to: I will get my man. God, the Universe and whomever else or whatever else is out there, is working in my favor, and will bring him to me. My house will be sold. It will provide years of loving shelter and memories to another family. I will find someone who can cut these dead trees down. He will give me favor with the price because of my situation. In the middle of all of this I became thankful for my own health, and the provision that my late, husband’s pension was giving me.

A few weeks passed and my life began to turn and take some kind of shape again. My obstacles were cleared. My property was sold. I met a wonderful man who understands my widowhood and tells me he’s never been this happy in his life.

Be careful of what you say. Only give a voice to the positive. Replace the darkness with light, and watch how bright things become. I’ve learned it, and I know it. Now I am living it!

JC Szot