Living With Bipolar Disorder.
Back in 2010, I found out I was symptomatic from bipolar disorder. The psychiatrist initially said I was schizophrenic because of the paranoia episodes I was having. As it turned out though, that was just part of some of the things I was going through with my bipolar disorder. In 2011 I officially was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. What is bipolar disorder really? To me, I do not consider it something that should be stigmatized. Or something that when people hear the word, they run and hide because they think those “type” of people are batshit “crazy.” Rather I classify us who have it as beautiful, individuals, positive, optimistic, lovable, admired, and resilient.
Nobody is perfect, let’s be real. Perfection does not exist, and to live in a world of naive people that think there is such a thing, I apologize for you. When you are bipolar like I am, we are imperfectly perfect with our chaos. We suit the disorder quite well is such an understatement. At first I would ask myself, “Why me”? Why did God grant me that mental disease? As I have now come to realize once I was fully grown, some things are out of God’s hands but God loves us all and wants all his children to live happy and healthy lives. And that is what he did for me.
For a while, I felt defeated in life. I was discouraged and doubtful of myself. Then I fell back in love with myself in spite of having bipolar disorder. Life is fantastic, I am blessed with the love of writing and books, and that I can put together such great poems and stories with my creative juices. I am blessed with good friends and family. Most of all, I am blessed with God on my side and my lord and savior Jesus Christ. Lastly, I am blessed that God brought me back to a good, stable place. My brain is back in a safe home. I no longer have dwelling thoughts. My mental health is no longer deteriorating. I am thinking fluently, I am thinking healthy words, thinking loving thoughts, and having loving feelings. I am much more confident in myself. And even when I have days where I question all that I am and all that I bring in the world, I know at the end of the day that God created this world and us and God makes no mistakes. I’m not a mistake, I may at times be a beautiful disaster, but it’s a disaster I do beautifully.