Knowing With A Certainty
I started my journey with “The Secret” long before it came into my reality.
I was the kind of person whom a lot of people envied (my sisters and friends included) because I always got what I wanted and it came to me easily. Almost everything except love. I always wished for my perfect partner to manifest, but that was where I had the most difficulty with. I had desperately tried to fix anything that I thought was wrong with me. I read a lot of self-help and relationship books, went to destiny advisers, tried to lose weight (since I thought only slim women attracted the loves of their lives).
I came across “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsch one day and loved the books. I lived it, breathed it, and wanted to spread its message around (I was wary though of people not having the patience to read all three, so I am glad that you are spreading the very same message in media that other people can relate to better… so that more people know about it).
I knew I was looking for the perfect partner but my surroundings and my lifestyle did not reflect that. I was extremely passionate in my work, as I had been even in my extra-curricular activities during my college days. I barely had time to nurture a relationship, and I had so many other things I wanted to do for myself.
With the knowledge I gained from Conversations With God, I stopped and started creating. I made a dream book for myself, cutting out pictures depicting my ideal partner and the lifestyle that I wanted. I resigned from my very stressful job to take a breather, and took a long vacation in the US to find out for myself where I wanted to go next.
I started manifesting. Even if I dont travel in circles where one would ordinarily meet wealthy men, they came into my life wanting the same things I wanted, and were marriage-minded. At the same time though, I met this other guy who made me explore and discover the sensual and sexual side of me. Although on the outset I knew that he was not the kind of man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and that his dreams were different from mine, he was the one who kept me company the most, and I fell in love with him.
I went back to the Philippines and thought over my options. Every time I thought of being married to the man of my dreams, the thought of this simple guy whom I had feelings for haunted me. Even if that guy didnt love me nor take me seriously, I had feelings for him and I felt the need to honor those feelings. After all, did I not want to experience love?
To make a long story short, I picked simple guy. I desired to be with him in the US. And things started happening to manifest my desire. I got evicted from my place and had nowhere else to go, but my relatives in the US welcomed me to stay with them. I had no money for my ticket but a close friend sprung for it. Another old friend with a shipping business resurfaced at the right time and offered to ship all my stuff under a pay when able arrangement. My dog, the love of my life, would follow me there because another friend who was knowledgeable in importing dogs offered to take care of all the paperwork. All the signs were there, and it seemed that the Universe was conspiring for me to be in the US.
I went back to the US with the intent to migrate and be with him, and leaving the how to the Universe. In retrospect though, this was when my negativity heightened. I was mad at my parents for pushing me into a corner and evicting me. All I could think of then while I was packing my boxes, my luggage, the life I had known before, was of uncertainty. I didnt know what lay before me, and there was more uncertainty and anxiety rather than optimism.
When I got to the US, a whole series of unfortunate events enveloped me. Someone threw a rock through the window of the house I was staying at, and it hit me smack in the face (I was still lucky that it didnt hit my eye or my skull and given me more injuries). I incurred a whole lot of medical bills for that and had nothing to pay for it. Five days before my dogs flight to follow me here, he died, and I was grief stricken. I found out that simple guy was married the entire time. His wife introduced herself to me and befriended me, only to stab me in the back. It seemed like one misfortune after another. I was mad and resentful. I picked love, didnt I? Why was I getting this? And I would challenge the Universe, Is this it? Is this all you have for me? Bring it on! Lets get this over and done with! I was spiraling down at an unbelievably fast pace, and had already picked out my suicide date.
On that very day when I had become serious about ending it all, I received a phone call from a good friend in NY. Now I call him an angel for bringing hope to me on that day. I decided to live. Like Harry Potter, I would be The Girl Who Lived. But the Universe wasnt done with me yet. I told it to bring it on and it did. I contracted several viruses and had one outbreak after another. No money, no job, no medical insurance, no love, and alienated from my family, I felt I lost everything.
During this period, I knew I had a lot of negativity that I had to release. I was fighting hard to get me in a better place emotionally. I would smudge myself with white sage sometimes, but what really helped was this book that called out to me in the bookstore one day. It literally called me to it, because although it was virtually nondescript and amidst so many other books that were more colorful, thicker, and more visually appealing, that was the only book I saw on the shelf – Love is the Letting Go of Fear. I read it and began to heal. I saw others as blameless for my situation and began to forgive myself, forgive my parents and siblings, forgive simple guy.
I began to heal, but uncertainty was still plaguing me. I had all the theories in my head, but whenever I went to a destiny adviser to check on my progress, they would tell me that I still didnt take responsibility for my choices. Even if I consciously thanked the Universe, that wasnt enough. I felt confused and a bit resentful. At the same time, how I was going to stay on here in the US was bothering me.
I was chatting with my mom back in the Philippines about my worries when she told me about The Secret. I didnt give much attention to it then because I thought I had read enough self help books and didnt need one more. Besides, my mom wasnt a big reader so I didnt put much weight on her recommendation. One day though, I was surprised to find the DVD in the house. A friend had sent it to my aunt and it was still unopened. I believed it came to me for a reason, so I watched it. I am extremely happy and joyful that I did. It made me remember and re-member what I had known long before, and how I was able to call forth everything that I wanted.
The best lesson I learned from The Secret that I somehow had missed from all the other self help books, was to simply feel that I have received. Feel Good. In all my headiness, my love of logic, I forgot this simplest but most effective of lessons – to feel.
I fully understand now why all of those things happened to me. I chose it. When I visualized my perfect partner my choices did appear, but when I chose simple guy the Universe listened to me and started giving me other things, and those other things were so totally out of sync with what I really wanted for myself because I was downplaying my desires to be accepted. It didnt feel right and because it didnt, the cycle went on.
The Secret brought to the forefront answers that already were within me. I know that it works! I have created before and each and every time, my wishes have manifested even if the Universe has had to do double-time to cope with my fickleness. The best part is that knowing this, I know I can create again! I took for granted everything that I had before, and wanted to empty myself to be filled again. Now, from this nothing, I know I have everything I need or want to create my destiny. I have imagination, unwavering faith, and an abundance of love within me. I am certain that all that I chartered for myself will come to be.
My story is far from finished, but at the same time it has already been written by me. I have started creating again, and the love, gratitude, and abundant wealth that I feel every day – that I choose to feel every day – with a certainty, has already started to work for me.
When I decided to migrate to the US, at my going away party, a good friend sent me off with this wish. He wished that I would finally find myself on this journey. My profound thanks and blessings to all of you who have played a part in making that come about, because I can finally say that I have. That this realization came a few days before my 33rd birthday is even sweeter. I have always thought that turning 33 was special because it was the age Jesus died on the cross and was resurrected. Im turning 33 in two days. Im excited. Im hopeful. And, although I am spending it away from my family and friends who would usually throw a big celebration for me and make sure that my day is really special, finding myself is the best birthday present I could ever ask for. Thank you for this wonderful gift!