In the summer of 2009 my boyfriend finally broke up with me for good. Things hadn’t been going so well but I wanted to hold on because I felt there was a chance for us to make it. He had his own issues to work with, but officially the reason we broke up was (trans-Atlantic) distance, which he couldn’t take any more.

I was devastated. He’d proposed to me several times before, and did so again as we broke up. I had to say no. There was something that was holding me back. However, for weeks after the break-up I cried. I tried every imaginable thing to get him back. At first I really tried moving on but it was difficult because I was so hurt. My first dating attempt with a new guy ended up a disaster: we went to see a movie about a transatlantic relationship gone wrong. 🙂 You can imagine the rest.

Eventually I came across law of attraction and The Secret. I watched the movie several times, and read the book. I would come here religiously to read other people’s stories. I was so moved, so in awe of this realization.

I have always been one of the lucky ones: I would get the jobs, the experiences, the amazing friends, but I didn’t realize it was of my own doing. My friends would make remarks like ‘you don’t have to look for a job, because they call you at home and offer it to you’. And it was true. It was because I believed I deserved them. The summer I met my boyfriend was the happiest of my life: I had an amazing internship, doing what I loved to do, amazing new friends in a superb city. I met my ex when I didn’t expect it, and looking at it now, I realized that I manifested him too. When I didn’t need anyone, I found someone who matched not just some, but all of my criteria I had set for my future boyfriend.

Regarding my relationship, I realized that it wasn’t just him that was responsible for the break-up, it was me too. I had lost faith in us. So I began my quest of getting him back. I tried affirmations, I tried believing in us and a future together. I even made a vision board of our future. Nothing worked, and months passed. I was so tired but I couldn’t give up, I couldn’t let go. I knew this was for me. I wanted this. I did feel better since I wasn’t in contact with him any more. I realized that I didn’t need him. I consciously said, I am letting go, but in the back of my mind, I knew I really wasn’t, it was an act to get him back, to trick myself, to trick the universe.

Then one day, I was cycling my way home from class, doing my visualization again and my mind started to wander. I envisioned a friend of mine (our common friend) and telling him what went wrong with us. And I told my friend that the reason I didn’t agree to marry him was because I didn’t feel loved as I am. And then it hit me. I didn’t. It was not a question of me loving him, it was about me not feeling loved as I am. I had always tried to fit in, to be liked, and I have succeeded in that rather well. It is okay in superficial relationships, even friendships of some sort but not love relationships. I realised that all I was trying to do was try to conform, to be loved again, to compromise. And I guess this was why I had refused his proposals – gotta listen to that gut-feeling!! I had tried too hard to be the perfect girlfriend but all I got was rejection and being taken for granted. I cried all the way home. Why was I trying to make someone who didn’t love me for who I am come back to me? In manifesting him I guess I forgot the crucial ingredient: someone who loves me for who I am, unconditionally. Note to self: next time, this is the number one requirement.

I am amazing, I deserve love, to be loved for who I am, not superficial attributes, not because it is convenient. I deserve love that defies distance. So I really let go because I deserve more. And I will get it, this time around.

This isn’t a story of how I got my boyfriend back, or how I found new love. This is a story of how I found me and love for myself. And, as we all know, that is the greatest gift one can give oneself. And believe me, there is so much goodness coming my way still. Because now I have the right foundation – love of myself.