From Suicidal To Unstoppable!
When I was 11, I was involved in a horrific experience that resulted in the sudden loss of my mother. It’s really interesting how fast my entire life changed because of that. I went from being a runner, pianist, adventurer, and social butterfly to a zombie in a matter of months. A year after I lost my mom, I began experiencing bullying at school. Eventually, it got so bad that I had to leave the private middle school that I had worked so hard to get into.
When I was 12 I started experiencing depression for the first time. By the time I was 14 I had already attempted suicide. Everyone around me would tell me that I was “just at rock bottom” and sooner or later I would rise up again. I didn’t believe them. Rock bottom just seemed to get lower each time I found it.
High school was honestly a blur of drugs, hospitalizations, suicide attempts, violence, acting out in school, etc. The adults around me began to view me as some kind of monster. A “delinquent” that was doomed for a life of drugs and fighting. They saw my grief as anger and it didn’t take long for me to make the same mistake. Around the time I was 15, some part of my brain shut off. I later realized I was experiencing an extreme form of trauma dissociation. I felt half alive at all times. I felt like I was sleepwalking every day.
By the time I was 18, I had attempted suicide 6 times, two of which had left me in comas. After my 6th suicide attempt, I started experiencing psychosis. I spent several months lying on the floor of my bedroom, wishing more than anything that I could just die already. I was hearing voices, seeing things, and was extremely delusional. I began to starve myself because I was afraid my food was being poisoned due to my delusional mental state. Every thought I had was negative and I was so deep into a state of dissociation that I barely felt like a person. Everything I felt and knew at that time was pain. Life was miserable.
At some point during all of this, I experienced a hallucination in which I saw an asteroid coming towards earth. It was so bright and loud that I felt the ground shake and my body vibrate. It felt so real and I felt so helpless. I looked up at it and accepted death in an instant. I braced myself for the end of humanity and I let go.
Five minutes later I was still alive. And then ten. And then an hour. I realized that there was no asteroid, but something had shifted inside of me. My ability to let go of everything I had ever thought, seen, heard, experienced, and known in a matter of seconds when faced with the prospect of death, shocked me. Somewhere in that shock was a seed that I planted in my brain. The possibility of change. If I could let go of my suffering for death, why not let it go for life too?
The next few months were spent researching what had happened to me. Why my mindset had been able to shift so suddenly and if there was anything I could learn about what had happened to me. In this time I researched everything from death to spirituality to quantum mechanics to the nature of existence. I realized that what I have, what everyone has, is so fragile, so fleeting. We have no idea why we’re here, or what we are, or what consciousness is. Photons of light can pop in and out of existence, black holes can warp space and time, and subatomic particles can change their decisions based on whether or not a human consciousness is observing them.
During this period of learning, I found out about The Secret. I began implementing it into my life right away. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I began meditating daily and giving myself positive affirmations even when I felt silly doing so. I began eating healthier, exercising, sitting in the sun, spending time with the people I love, reading, and learning how to tap into the infinite source of compassion that every human has inside of them.
It’s only been six months since the day I thought I saw an asteroid, and my entire life has changed. I’m in college, I’m physically healthy, I’m loved and loving, and I value myself. I no longer run from my sadness or fear or anger. I meet these feelings with open arms and choose to remember that all emotions are nothing more and nothing less than an experience. When I’m sad I wrap myself in a warm blanket and drink hot chocolate. When I’m angry, I go on jogs through nature. When I’m off balance, I read and meditate. More often than not though, I feel happy. Truly happy. Not the thrill from drugs or illegal activities but true and pure happiness simply because I’m alive. My mindset has not only saved my life but has also impacted others. My once broken family is now connected and loving like never before. I have friends who value me and whom I value. It started with the changes in myself but quickly grew to things outside of me. Areas of my life that I had no idea would be impacted by a mindset shift.
One of the best parts is I am no longer living in a constant state of dissociation. I feel as if the part of my brain that was shut off from pain and fear is now back up and running again, even better than before. I feel more present and alive than I ever have and more calm and joyful than I ever could have imagined. Another incredible shift is that I now rarely experience psychosis. The voices and delusions that ran my life for months are almost completely gone and whenever they arise, it never takes more than a few moments of self-reflection to let them pass by me without getting invested.
I spend time every day thanking myself and the beautiful Universe I live in for allowing this change to grow in me. I never thought I would live a life with this much joy ever, let alone so fast. The people around me were skeptical of my change at first, but after months of consistency and process, they have realized that this change is here to stay.
I went from trying to end my own life to caring for myself more than anything else in the world. I am my own best friend.
I hope to spend the rest of my life learning, traveling, and creating in the world I almost lost so many times. Each second of life is a gift, and the only one who can allow you to open it is yourself.