A Jew & A Muslim in Weapons Training
For the first two years of being single after ending an abusive marriage, I chose not to date in order to heal, become cognizant of abusive patterns so that I wouldnt repeat them, and to overcome my terror of men in general. Despite having been reared in an affluent family I had been abused on all levels. Predictably, I married the same abusive ilk. When my daughter was 2 years old I realized that I didnt want this abuse to continue to yet another generation, and bucking the family tradition of NEVER divorcing, and especially to a man who had gone to the top schools in the country, I divorced him.
In the third year I tried my hand at on-line dating, and while mortified by what I had attracted, I developed the qualities I desired in my chatan (soul mate). During this time, I manifested my aunt who had tracked me down after 20 years, and pressured me to create a career (medical school). Then I manifested a friend who helped me overcome severe test anxiety, to such a degree that I never studied for final exams in any of the really tough science courses, and ACED them.
I was intent on healing myself and I knew that I had been unhealthy from a very, very young age. Drastic times required drastic measures. I made a tape of positive affirmations and locked myself in my apartment for a month and would play it every single time I thought a negative thought I was desperate to reprogram my brain. Initially my brain convulsed and wanted to literally attack this tape. It was painful, but I forced myself to keep playing it and reprogramming me. Id almost cry, wondering why I thought another negative thought knowing that Id force myself to listen to my self-made tape AGAIN and AGAIN.
I kept working on healing even though I was entrenched in a custody war spanning 5 years and ~$100k, despite having never earned $30k annually and contesting against my abuser who had an income of ~$200k. I had a lot of fears and in many instances he appeared to be winning, but I focused on healing and then discovered that my fears were allowing him these temporary wins…
I was very lonely because I really only wanted to be a wife and mother. Last winter I put out to the Universe that I wanted to meet my chatan (soul mate) in August, 2009. Despite challenges, I stayed focused because I wanted to have another child prior to turning 44. I also wanted to be down to nothing financially so that when I built my empire that all my former demons would have no doubt that I did it on my own. Plus, I wanted to meet my life partner while in dire financial straits so that Id know that he didnt marry me for my family resume. I wanted to prove to myself that I wasnt just inherited wealth.
I rejoined the military and entered Officer Candidate School (OCS) where even being suspected of fraternization was grounds for dismissal. While in land navigation training in May I saw this candidate with an incredibly long Muslim name standing there with this massive aura all around him and decided that I wanted to meet him. I dismissed the idea, because well, training was REALLY intense. Later as we were all cramming into a van, I offered to let him sit on my lap. Mortified at my lack of constraint I opened my mouth to sooth what I had said when even more flagrant words spewed forth. I finally just shut my mouth because it seemed possessed into saying things that really shouldnt be said in polite society.
Upon returning home, I was sidetracked for the summer, caring for this suicidal cop whom I had briefly dated, ensuring he made it to his outpatient treatments and opened my house to him to ensure that he healed because I comprehended how important it was to have a support network. I learned a lot about mental health. Then just days prior to going into an intense fifteen-day military training, he found a new love interest and disappeared. I realized that something better was coming my way. It was July and I just knew true love was coming in August.
On 31 July, in OCS, this Muslim man and I spoke again for about 30 seconds during weapons training. I, a Jew-by-choice manifested that he, a Muslim-by-choice, walk over to me to exchange personal info since his training was extended to 53 days.
I returned to school full-time, fighting in Court and destitute. I struggled to have enough change to purchase stamps to write him daily letters to keep him cheered because training was wretchedly tough.
He returned during my financial nadir. Upon realizing on my birthday that I had no food in the refrigerator to feed my child, he returned with a trunk full of staples although he had four children to support. I nearly cried. He offered me his home when I was almost evicted, but I declined to cohabitate. Instead, I manifested 6 months of rent grant (thanks, Obama!).
Then one day while visiting me during a snowstorm and ill, as I gave him my old military gear from the trunk of the car he had gotten for me, I proposed. I wasnt planning to say anything but then my mouth just took off again and amazing words just spewed forth out of control. I was almost mortified. Almost. He said he didnt need the gear as dowry to agree to marry me. Then I was in shock. I dont even remember saying goodbye as that man disappeared into the night.
Love truly brings about world peace. He is the great-grandson of a voodoo healer whose family migrated from Arkansas to Cleveland. My maternal ancestors escaped the French Revolution, settled in Delaware, and I grew up as the 6th Irish generation (paternal) from the same Midwestern cornfield. He truly loves me for me as I love him for just being him. I believed for a lifetime that he existed. It wasnt until last year that I decided that I actually deserved to manifest him into reality.