A True Act Of Self Love Set Me Free.
So many of my fellow writers’ stories here were inspirational to me through the process of making my dreams come true so, first of all, thank you for your stories! I remember so many times they would uplift me when I was down and now I feel blessed to pass on the torch.
For many years I searched for a soulmate and I had a longing for companionship. Compared to my peers in their mid 20’s, I felt like I was different in that sense because everyone else was having fun being single. It used to really bother me that no matter how I tried, I could not bring Mr. Right into my life. I read many books, watched lots of videos on the Law of Attraction, participated in a forum, meditated, wrote in my journal, did affirmations, tried to visualize, put myself out there, you name it! Now I can fully understand that those techniques did work for me but that the result was not instantaneous, much to the dismay of our now-now-now generation!
I also recognize the turning point that opened up my state of allowing and burst open the floodgates. For quite some time, I would start to go on dates with guys. My feelings would develop very quickly and usually that was met with disappointment. They were not the right guys for me. As much as I tried to convince myself that they were, I knew in my heart that something wasn’t quite right. The signals were telling me so. That being said, my loneliness often encouraged me to hang onto them.
I also experienced a lot of confusion and doubt. I’m gay and I never really had a gay role model, someone to look up to and say “I hope I’m in a relationship like theirs someday”. There were times when I would ask myself “Maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe I’m not meant to have that kind of love”. The world has some very conflicting messages for LGBT people and there were times when I really did feel like maybe I was unnatural. It was a very dark place to say the least.
One day after an appointment with my counsellor who was helping me to deal with my ups and downs, her comment stuck with me. “I think you’re having trouble expressing yourself”. Funny, I thought, because my naturopath had said the same thing a year earlier. I was very perplexed because I think I communicate and articulate myself very well. But after reflecting on that a bit, I realized I was often keeping my frustrations to myself for the sake that expressing them to the other person might destroy my chances with them. I would try to “take the high road” and say nothing, even when I had been really hurt. So I decided to push myself, I owed it to myself. I sent a long message to a person who had recently played with my emotions in our relationship. I decided for myself that I had nothing to lose; but I could gain the feeling of freedom by saying exactly what I felt. It wouldn’t matter what they wrote back, what mattered was expressing myself and this true act of “self love” completely set me free. Lesson: Do nice things for yourself!!
About a week or two later, I logged onto a dating app that I had tried many a time before. I was simply hoping to get my mind off the previous fling. I ended up finding the person that fit me perfectly and who fulfilled all of my “wishlist” that I had created. Beyond that, we have a level of connectivity that surpasses anything I could have dreamed of! We have a healthy bond and I have never felt so comfortable and at peace in a relationship. My family and friends remark about how relaxed I am with him. I don’t experience any of the anxiety that I have felt in previous relationships. We day dream together about trips we want to go on, and about the idea of eventually getting married.
I have truly proved something to myself. All my ‘manifestation’ homework over the years did materialize! It took a little while and I was challenged by the lesson of expressing from the heart. By deciding to love myself through expression, I set myself free and found more love.