Learning through my experience
When I was 4 and half months pregnant my sons father went to be with the lord. His life was taken, I was devastated, I couldn’t bear the pain nor accept the fact that I had to raise my child alone. I was having a hard time coping with his loss… I just missed him terribly. All I thought of was the times we spent together, and I would smile for a brief moment, but my pain was immense. I’d cry for hours, days, months. I tell ya I felt as though I was lost – trapped in my mind. I had so many questions cycling through my head, mixed with raw emotions of the things I should’ve and could’ve and would’ve done if I had only known that he was going to die; if I would’ve had just one more day, one more hour, even a single moment to say the things I wanted to say. I felt emptiness in my heart and the crying came and went away… and came back again when I least expected it. Little things made it hurt.
I suffered through my entire pregnancy. Sadly I was more focused on my pain than on my state of health. I just tried making sense of the situation, but I failed most of the time and I didn’t have strength. My life was consumed with mixed emotions anger, sadness, emptiness, and much confusion. I felt as though my life was never going to be the same for I thought I was never going to be happy. My mind was full of many negative thoughts & doubts, my dreams were shattered, and I came to the conclusion that life was not worth living because it was cruel. I lost interest in the things I once enjoyed. I just plain and simply did not care.
Until one day I had the doctor visit to do an ultrasound, on November 3, 2006. That’s when fortunately for me my outlook and perspective of life changed completely. Seeing my son for the first time & hearing his heartbeat caused a huge impact in my life. My soul was moved and I was filled with this great joy – something I had not felt in all my years, and for once in a very long time I was truly happy, and I cried not of sadness but of happiness.
I am glad to say that was my turning point, and I began thanking god and counting my blessings. I was grateful for what the lord almighty had set before me, the people in my life, my loving sisters and wonderful friends that were very supportive in my time of trouble. I could never thank them enough. And most of all the gift of being a mother granted me the opportunity to lavish all the love I felt for my sons father on my baby. But I can assure you the love I feel for my child has no measure or comparison – it’s something much stronger and I finally realized I had reached the level of acceptance and letting go. I learned I was not defeated like I thought I was, but rather life taught me a valuable lesson that I was not weak, I was strong, that I was not alone, I had much to be grateful for, and I did not lose, but gain some knowledge and understanding.
I guess that’s how life prepares us for next time, because theres no guarantees, and Im glad the hardest part is over and Im able to live and enjoy my son, my life, the way god intended. And in the process of my healing Ive learned this: That the mind does have power – it can destroy the soul and break the spirit if you let it. That life goes on and something beautiful can be waiting somewhere when you least expect it. Ive learned that happiness is not hard to find, we just have to search within ourselves because it dwells in us. I learned that god gives us what we need not what we want. I learned that all things do come to pass, and I will only remember how it felt. I am just glad the lord has never forsaken me, he is my sunshine that turned my darkness to light.