For the past couple of years I have been exerting way too much effort into controlling the outcomes of my life. Needless to say that none of it worked. But I couldn’t help it. I strongly believed that things needed to happen the way that I envisioned them to happen and in order for them to come true. I would need to play God’s role and manipulate every situation.

Only now am I starting to realize that this is going against the grain of life itself and will totally not work. It’s really true, especially in my previous relationship. I tried so hard to make everything perfect that it literally ended up being the opposite of what I wanted. Because of my controlling and manipulative characteristic, I repelled my soulmate away. How is it that even after all of the pain and heartache, that I still strongly believe that this guy is the one for me? Well, I don’t know. The thought of him dying kills me more than anything in the world. I love every single thing about him, even his flaws. We can relate on a deeper level.

The core problem was that I did not love myself as much as I loved him. But now that I am starting to truly trust that the Universe will either bring him back or someone better, I am more able to focus entirely on myself. I no longer worry as much about losing him. Because deep down I genuinely trust that if he was just as in love with me as I was with him then he will return. And if not, then I still trust that the Universe has a love much greater than the one I have experienced. Until that time comes, I will keep learning to love myself wholly. And I will let you all know my story.

If you are in the same boat as I am, I believe that we can get through this heartache. We can not only heal, but bloom in the now.

Love,
Girl With a Dog Named Kona