I was raised in a family that I thought was very normal. My Dad was controlling & abusive. My Mom would lock herself in her room after dinner was done, closing herself away from the world. She suffered from clinical depression. There was no real affection, except for when my Dad would feel guilty for beating one of us. In the end it was all our fault that it happened. I married at eighteen, trying to get out of the house a.s.a.p. It was hard to say the least. My moods were hot & cold in a matter of seconds. I had no idea what affection was or how to express it. I began going to a therapist & psyciatrist who seemed to have every diagnosis under the sun. I started having my babies which seemed to be a happy time in our life. After my third all hell broke loose. We didn’t have a lot of money, but I was determined that my third would have the same as my other two. So I went out wrote a bad check for three hundred dollars . It was quite a high. I realized I could write bad checks & get what I wanted right away. It would get sent back. I would go & pay it. Then I would turn around & go right back. I did this for a year, until we filed chapter 13 & almost lost our house. The whole time I didn’t seem to understand what an impact this was. Then I hit a huge low. Guess how much I spent in bad checks in one year. $4,500 in bounced check fees only. I deciced my family would be better of without me I overdosed. My husband found me. I was lucky. They were able to revive me. I was on a ventilator for 24 hours. After that I was immediatly sent to the psyche ward. They let me out in 4 days. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar & put me on lithium under my husbands supervision. I ended up slitting my wrist 2 weeks later & had 4 stitches. I have since then adjusted to the medication. But I cannot forgive myself for what I did. I almost left my 3 children & the most wonderful & supportive husband in the world. On february 14 of 2007 I totaled my car on the freeway with my four year old in it. We were both just fine. Well of course I totally blamed myself for the whole thing & didn’t know how to forgive myself. I woke up from a nap & decided to turn on Oprah.
The subject was The Secret. I was overwhelmed and brought to tears. Here was the answer to my painful question of forgiveness. At that time I knew God had given me a message loud & clear. As soon as I get some money I will be buying the DVD. Thankyou for letting me share my story.